Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand: Planet Terror

Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand: Planet Terror was the eleventh blog post in the Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand blog hosted on the Yaiba: Ninja Gaiden Z website. It was originally posted December 12, 2013.

Transcript

It’s always a secret bioweapon gone horribly wrong, isn’t it? The explanation behind zombie outbreaks in movies, I mean. Crazy scientists tinkering with forces they shouldn’t be, followed by some disastrous accident that unleashes the plague on an unknowing populace.

This movie opens by introducing the luscious Cherry Darling, a go-go dancer who quits her job and is nearly run off the road by a military caravan. As events unfold at the military base, it’s clear that the source of Planet Terror’s zombie toxin was manufactured on purpose, even though Bruce Willis’ character (the military officer attempting to buy/take the toxin from a sadistic scientist) doesn’t go into specifics. (Oh, and did I mention that the scientist has a disturbing obsession with cutting off and collecting other dudes’ balls? He even has a special ball-cutting knife. I might need to get one of those for when I come face-to-face with Hayabusa again—oh wait, Ryu probably doesn’t have any.) The deal goes south, resulting in the release of the gaseous bioweapon. Anyone contaminated by the gas is infected, and soon the town’s residents begin flooding into the local hospital covered in quickly-spreading boils and necrotic rashes.

At the hospital, Dr. Block and his disturbingly excited colleagues evaluate the influx of soon-to-be-zombie patients. I don’t know about you, but if a bunch of ugly fucks with blistering, bloody pustules spreading all over their bodies started showing up around me, I’d put them down in the blink of a Cyber-Eye. I sure as hell wouldn’t lean in close and try to pop some gross tongue acne like a pimple. How dumb can you get? Someone give Dr. Block his Darwin award.

Anyway, it’s no surprise that Dakota – Dr. Block’s smoking hot wife – is planning to leave her abusive husband for her hot ex-girlfriend. Unfortunately, her lady friend winds up being one of the first casualties, and all my hopes of seeing some hot lady-on-lady action in this movie are killed with her. And, of course, the gorgeous go-go dancer Cherry gets one of her legs gnawed off when her ex-boyfriend El Wray crashes his truck and lets a zombie yank her out of the wreck. What a waste.

Zombies overrun the town, and the local law enforcement is useless. El Wray turns out to be an excellent shot, Block gets infected, Dakota gives her dumbass son a gun that he promptly shoots himself in the face with (he must take after his father), and Cherry (now with a peg-leg) and El Wray get it on after he rescues her from the chaos of the hospital. The remaining townspeople regroup at the Bone Shack, a barbeque restaurant near the military base. The survivors include two crazy twin babes who only stop arguing long enough to fawn over Skip, owner of the go-go club that Cherry used to work at. Geez, what’s a guy gotta do to get two babes to follow him around and towel off his sweaty chest?

En route to the Mexican border, a wall of zombies stops the group. The zombies are mowed down by Bruce Willis’ gas-mask-clad unit, and they’re taken captive and locked up in the military base. There, the scientist from the beginning of the movie reveals that the military unit guarding them is voluntarily ingesting the toxin to slow down its effects, and mentions that he could formulate a cure using the people who are immune to the gas.

Cherry and Dakota are singled out for unsavory purposes, and Dakota gives Cherry a pep talk that I’m behind 100%. Like Dakota, I don’t think any of Cherry’s talents are useless—I can think of quite a few uses for all of them…

While El Wray and the scientist break out of their cell, Cherry and Dakota take care of their would-be rapists in an impressively stylish display of violence. I like these ladies more and more as the movie goes on. El Wray gives Cherry a machine gun/rocket launcher to replace her broken peg-leg, and the group launches an offensive to gain control of the military base’s helicopters. After an effective display of why you don’t put an indispensible person out in front (unless, of course, they’re as badass as I am), Cherry leads the charge and they manage to commandeer a helicopter. El Wray bites it while saving Cherry from a zombie, which is what happens when you break the cardinal rule: taking care of yourself above all others.

Skip finally manages to be useful and flies everyone to relative safety, and he makes excellent use of the helicopter blades to mow through a crowd of zombies. Now that’s what I’m talking about! They establish a zombie-free paradise on a beach in Mexico, and Cherry upgrades her leg weaponry to protect herself, her daughter, and the people around her from the threat of zombies.

If I let this outbreak rage out of control, will I find a beach full of violent, gorgeous women waiting for me in Mexico? Because if so, screw this! I’m getting on a plane as soon as I have Ryu’s head on a platter!

External Links

Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand: Planet Terror