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Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand: Bong of the Dead

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Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand: Bong of the Dead was the twenty first blog post in the Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand blog hosted on the Yaiba: Ninja Gaiden Z website. It was originally posted February 19, 2014.

TranscriptEdit

BOTD-3-318

There’s nothing like a zombie apocalypse to get people to straighten out their priorities. There’s just no guarantee those priorities make any sense. Me? I wanted to kill Ryu Hayabusa before all this shit went down. After the outbreak, these zombies just mean it’s easier to track down that goody two-shoes. The two stoners in Bong of the Dead, however, don’t care about anything other than the danger of running out of weed.

Edwin and Tommy, a pair of burnouts, have spent the 6 months since meteors turned normal people into zombies in a haze of ganja smoke. Edwin has stumbled across a bizarre discovery: zombie brains make for a potent fertilizer. The green goo is powerful enough to cause a seed to sprout into a fully-grown plant in the blink of an eye. I can respect turning otherwise useless zombies into something useful, though I prefer weapons to gardening.

Celebrating the discovery, the duo accidentally smokes through their month’s supply of marijuana. Unfortunately for them, the military had cleared out their area of zombies. Weighing the possibility of death against the possibility of living without weed, the two idiots resolve to travel outside of their safe region to the danger zone in search of more zombies for fertilizer. I guess their need to get high is about as strong and overwhelming as my need for revenge.

During a pit stop, the two are knocked unconscious and wake up the captives of a surprisingly talkative zombie calling himself Alexander Montgomery Dickens III. Dickens plans on raising an army of the undead but it turns out zombies aren’t very good at taking orders. When he commands his minions to kill Edwin and Tommy, the zombies turn on him instead. My clan couldn’t get me to follow orders, so how much loyalty and obedience could anyone expect from brain-dead zombies?

In any event, Tommy and Edwin must have been especially high since it doesn’t occur to them that they now have the zombie brains they need for their fertilizer. Instead, they head back on the road.

After a while, the potheads pull over at a gas station to fill up. A mysterious figure in a welding mask wielding a shotgun rounds them both up. Certain they’re about to die, they’re shocked to discover their captor is a “really smoking hot” babe named Leah. She tries to get them on their way except their car won’t start and offers to put them up for a couple of days. Hm… maybe I can talk Miss Monday into a tune-up if I complain about engine trouble, too.

Turns out Leah’s quite the engineer – not unlike Miss Monday – and chained up a zombie on a treadmill to work the water pump and for her outdoor shower. Tommy, investigating the shower zombie, gets a little too close and Leah’s forced to kill the zombie to save his dumb ass.

In the aftermath, she shows the guys her dad’s old work truck. She had planned on upgrading it in case she ever needed to escape. With her shower out of commission, she suggests they assemble the parts she has ready and hit the road. The souped up truck boasts three lawnmowers on the grille and a chain gun in the flatbed. Nice. It’s like the truck version of my badass upgrades.

The very moment they get ready to hit the road; a horde of zombies appear out of nowhere, led by a still shambling Dickens. The trio piles into the car and start mowing down zombies with the lawnmowers strapped to the front. When the engine stalls, they’re forced to get up close and personal with guns, arm blades, and a weed whacker. The blood and body parts go flying everywhere, about half as insane as me when I’m in Bloodlust. On the cusp of victory, dumbass Tommy gets bit. Confronted by a taunting Dickens, Leah finds herself out of ammo but Edwin manages to slash Dickens’ throat and save the day.

3 days later, Leah and Edwin have returned to the gas station, using the many zombie corpses as fertilizer for his next crop. A zombified Tommy is now powering the shower and Edwin carefully places a joint in his mouth to get him going on the treadmill. He’s a lucky stiff. That’s a happier ending than most zombies who cross my path get.

External LinksEdit

Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand: Bong of the Dead

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