Cheerleader Ninjas — not to be confused with Ninja Cheerleaders, which was actually a remake of this movie with a very different plot — is a try-hard pop culture trainwreck. Jokes that might have been funny the first time get forced down your throat over and over again until you feel like gagging, including several drawn out scenes of in-your-face racism. The only thing that might have been more offensive than the tasteless racism was the fact that there was NOT A SINGLE NINJA IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE. Come on, it’s in the title! Learning some 3rd rate martial arts moves and jumping around on a trampoline for gratuitous panty shots does not make a cheerleader magically transform into a ninja.
On the plus side, the fight scene cop-outs were pretty amusing, and whenever things started to get boring, a scene involving naked chicks would get shoehorned in. They might not have had Miss Monday’s assets, but it’s not like they were Blister Sisters — if the pair of cheerleaders that made out in this movie asked me to join them, it wouldn’t be a chore, you know?
Cheerleader Ninjas opens with a group of fanatic Catholic mothers (and one pregnant daughter) discussing the evils of homosexual internet pornography. After seeing a flyer implying that a nearby school’s cheerleaders are computer geniuses, the mothers decide to go on a crusade to rid the world of the threat against good little god-fearing boys around the globe. They recruit Stephen, a teacher and one of the worst caricatures possible of a gay man, to direct a team of bad Catholic schoolgirls against the cheerleaders. Stephen agrees because he wants revenge on the girls for not accepting him when he tried out for the cheerleading team. He tells his class of delinquent schoolgirls to kill a group of cheerleaders… because he didn’t pass their cheerleading tryouts. Even though he’s clearly old enough to be a teacher, he tried out for a highschool cheerleading team the previous year. …That kind of petty grudge-bearing doesn’t even deserve to be called revenge.
No ninjas, no revenge… why am I watching this?
The cheerleaders in question are four girls: intelligent Angela, her ditzy friends Heather and Ophelia, and new transfer student Jane. They’re at the top of the social ladder, and (of course) look down on the school’s computer geeks, a group of perverted guys who wear Starfleet uniforms to school and always have laptops and video cameras on hand. Comparing girls to Stormtroopers and filming up their skirts while they’re being attacked isn’t really a great way to win someone over, but you’re still supposed to feel bad for these hormonal dweebs. Monday would probably go after guys like that with one of those Robotic Defense Units, and it would NOT be set to stun. There’s also one lone wolf geek, Todd, who considers himself to be superior to everyone else, but more on him later.
Stephen unleashes his violent students on the cheerleaders, and the cheerleaders manage to escape after getting pummeled. They enlist the help of the geek squad to get training from a “Ninja Master” named Loada (yes, like Yoda). After a training montage that’s more panty shots than actual martial arts, the cheerleaders are ready to take on the Catholic schoolgirls in more of this movie’s terrible fight scenes. To make up for the complete lack of decent fight choreography, a blow up doll is often substituted in for characters who are getting the crap beat out of them, and somehow this is more amusing than all of the sex doll jokes crammed into the rest of the script. (There are a lot — almost as many as the number of masturbation jokes.)
The plot gets more and more bizarre, with the geeks being subjected to panty torture by the Catholic schoolgirls in order to make them code a virus to replace all images on the internet with pictures of the Pope. As it turns out, a mysterious Mr. X had teamed up with computer genius Todd to take over/enslave the world, and all of the events in the movie were orchestrated by Todd. He uses the virus code to create his own virus which turns computer users into mind-controlled, drooling zombies. Not zombies of the flesh-eating kind, just the unthinking idiot kind.
The final reveal involves playing hot potato with a floppy disk, some full frontal nudity, and lots of generic lines about why the internet is good (even if it is just a giant repository of porn). Kind of a let-down, considering the final fight scene was of the cheerleaders and the schoolgirls transforming into two giant robots and dueling with dildos… but at that point, I was just glad that it was over.