G.I. Joe is the codename for America’s daring, highly trained special mission force. Its purpose, to defend human freedom against Cobra – a ruthless, terrorist organization determined to rule the world. What a bunch of bull. In this latest live action adaptation, the Joes fail miserably from the opening scene and Cobra rules the world. The rest of the flick involves the Joes going underground to try to take back America, or whatever, and all that sweet, sweet ninja action is regulated to some lame subplot. All I care about in this flick are the damn ninja hotties and they’re not even crucial to the plot!
See, the story goes something like this: Zoltan, evil master of disguise, is impersonating the President. He convinces everyone in the government that G.I. Joe, the most friggin’ American thing ever created since someone stuck a hotdog in an apple pie, is the greatest threat to national security and that they should let Cobra, a known terrorist organization, run US security. I’m rolling my cybernetic eye so hard I can see Miss Monday’s soldering work on my optical circuits.
On second thought, companies like Blackwater (or is it Xe? Nope, they’re calling themselves Academi now…) exist so maybe this plot isn’t too ridiculous. Eh, whatever, let’s just get to the damn ninjas already.
So while some pro wrestler and his last surviving lackeys try to save the world from the broken-ass gym from Rocky V, the real action is taking place on the other side of the world where Snake Eyes is tasked by the RZA with bringing in Storm Shadow to answer for his crimes. One, I wish my clan’s masters were cool rappers who made dope beats. Two, I gotta get myself another sweet code name. “The Ninja Slayer” is pretty badass but I should step it up once I get my revenge on Ryu. Maybe Ryu Death Bringer? Hayabusa Hitman? Dragon Sword Decapitator?
Anyway, at least there are some luscious lady ninjas (mmmm… you can Jinx me any day) and a few pretty sweet ninjas fights to break up the snorefest. I wish I could tell you how this flick ended, but I had to leave thanks to the stupid 3D effects. Seeing all those shurikens flying out the screen sort of triggered my involuntary ninja instincts, and I ended up decapitating most of the folks sitting in front of me while I performed some sexy defensive moves. Safe bet is G.I. Joe Retaliation has the typical Hollywood ending where the ninjas team up or something and save the day while everyone else shoots pink lasers that don’t hit anything. That’s the Hollywood way.
In the Yaiba ending, I’d have the ninjas kill everyone and then they make me President of the World for life. The End, thanks for your twelve dollars. Twenty if you want it in 3D.