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Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand: Kill ‘Em All was the twenty second blog post in the Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand blog hosted on the Yaiba: Ninja Gaiden Z website. It was originally posted February 26, 2014.

TranscriptEdit

Killemall

This flick sums up my approach to zombies, ninjas, and just about anyone between Ryu Hayabusa and me — kill ‘em all! The plot is more of an idea than a story, but it’s not too shabby: lone wolf assassins from around the world are drugged and awaken in a single room.

According to a mysterious voice over the intercom, they’re now in “the Killing Chamber”. They’re told they must fight to the death, one pair at a time. No surprise there. You put a bunch of killers in a room, and they do what they do best. That’s what happened to my former Kamikaze Clan when they thought they could tell me what to do.

Of course, these killers are expected to follow the mysterious voice’s instructions. Schmidt, a German assassin, decides he’s just going to go for the nearest target and they wind up getting gassed. When they wake up, Schmidt’s throat is slit. From then on out, they’re randomly assigned numbers in the form of metal balls, lunch boxes, and sleeping bags to determine the next match-up. The winner lives and gets to choose something from a weapons chamber. After a few intense fights, the remaining assassins are commanded to rest in preparation for more deathmatches the next day.

One assassin, the smoking Som, has a plan. The next morning, Som goads another killer into choking her to motivate their tormentor to gas the room. I guess the man in charge also went to bed because he didn’t notice on the security camera that she tampered with the gas pipeline. Funny, I’ve always thought Ryu acts like he’s got a stick jammed up his gas pipeline.

Unable to gas the room, the man behind the curtain orders, “Ninjas! Kill them all!” I was promised ninjas, and technically I got one scene with them… But these ninjas are sadder than Hayabusa on his worst day – and that’s saying something. Their kill:death ratio is abysmal, and most are taken out before they can even swing their swords. Som and two other assassins make it out of the room alive.

With his shitty ninjas dead, the mastermind unleashes his “freaks”. They live up to the name, looking like street punks from a 70′s exploitation movie, and they fight about as poorly as the so-called “ninjas” that just had their asses handed to them. The “freaks” come running in with blades, bats, and axes, but the weapon variety doesn’t help them.

The three survivors somehow inexplicably realize that the rumored Sarong Cabal of assassins has kidnapped them. After a British assassin dies while saving the other two, it’s down to Som and a guy known as “The Kid”.

At the last minute, the movie shoehorns in Som’s backstory: her brother, Jake, had escaped the Killing Chamber two years ago only to die from his wounds in the street, but before dying he left a hidden message telling her how to escape.

Spoiler alert: she gets her revenge in a pretty badass two-on-one fight against the legendary Gordon Liu. I give this flick a B+ for action but an F for ninja FAILURE.

External LinksEdit

Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand: Kill ‘Em All

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