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Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand: Ninja Cheerleaders was the eighth blog post in the Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand blog hosted on the Yaiba: Ninja Gaiden Z website. It was originally posted November 20, 2013.

TranscriptEdit

NinjaCheerleaders

Ninja Cheerleaders. With a title like that, what could possibly go wrong? Hot cheerleaders by day, sexy ninjas by night–and they work at a strip club? Bring on the high kicks.

April, Monica, and Courtney are attractive, barely-legal cheerleaders stuck at a shitty community college. They play with boys like cats play with mice, one of them has some serious anger issues that she likes to take out on the closest thing with a dick, and at night they dance at a strip club to fund their Ivy League dreams. Also, there are only 2 guys in the entire town who aren’t trying to get into their mini-skirts, and they’re the ones who work at the strip club.

The legendary George Takei is Hiroshi, a karate teacher/clan leader/strip club owner who keeps all their money in a safe and sends them out to reclaim (read: steal) clan treasures from museums. Isn’t that typical? Some old fart ordering his pupils to do his dirty work for him. The way I see it, if you let someone steal your treasures in the first place, maybe you don’t deserve them. And then Hiroshi lets both himself and the college funds be captured by some second-rate mobsters who used to own the club! You’ve gotta be joking.

Anyway, I take back everything I’ve said about shitty ninja battles in other movies–these fight scenes are definitely the worst. Pretty sure they spent more money choreographing the strip club scenes than they did the fight scenes, and I’m not sure it’s a fair trade (I love watching scantily clad ladies twirl and gyrate as much as the next guy, but bad fight scenes are a crime against humanity). And then, to make things even worse, they’re in karate gi instead of shozoku during their ninja induction ceremony!

Luckily, they’re cute enough to get away with it. Their fighting might not be up to par but they don’t take shit from anyone. I like ‘em feisty. And hey, I don’t hold it against them that they’re not as smokin’ hot as Miss Monday; they just need a few more years to develop (and maybe tone down the nut-crunching agenda–I have a feeling April would actually douse my balls in hot sauce after crushing them).

So these ninja cheerleader babes save lives, crush balls, ace finals, cheer at a basketball game, win 50 grand in a strip-off, and take out the entire local mafia… all in one day, to an 80’s sitcom/porno soundtrack, with random pole dancing scenes spliced in along the way. I’m not sure what the montages were for, other than to grab my attention with naked tits whenever the plot started to lag. Sure enough, every time I started to lose interest (which was pretty often), some stripper’s oiled-up jugs flashed across the screen accompanied by a clip of sultry porn music. Maybe it was meant to distract me from the noisiest ninja takedowns I’ve ever had to watch (nothing says “dead ninja” like having your ringtone belt out the chorus of some top 40 when you’re trying to be sneaky). Or the exceedingly loud grinding sound effects whenever April had some loser’s family jewels in her iron grip. Or the Highlander-esque electricity during Hiroshi’s duel with the ‘morally questionable Dark Ninja’, Kinji. I don’t know, but the next time I want to watch cheerleader strippers pretend to be ninjas, I think I’ll just go to an actual strip club.

External LinksEdit

Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand: Ninja Cheerleaders

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