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Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand: OneChanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers

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Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand: OneChanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers was the ninth blog post in the Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand blog hosted on the Yaiba: Ninja Gaiden Z website. It was originally posted November 27, 2013.

TranscriptEdit

Onechanbara

Just look at the title of this thing. Look at it. What a mess. I half expected to see bikini zombies, and my junk got awful confused at the possibilities. (Then again, after coming face to face with some Blister Sisters, I’ll take a pass on any and all zombie ladies.) Are these hypothetical bikini zombies the ones doing the slaying? Or are there bikini-clad slayers of zombies? As it turns out, there’s just one bikini slayer of zombies: moody, cowboy hat-wearing Aya. Her mediocre sword skills are boosted by some unexplained magic – kind of like how Ryu covers up his lame ass moves with sparkly ninpo.

This flick kicks off long after a global outbreak began, apparently started by the D3 Corporation. What that really means is that the source of the zombie apocalypse is some creepy doctor in a low-rent lab that looks like a porno set. He might not even be a doctor – he just likes to rock a white lab coat. The creep factor is mostly from his one weird eye. Is it a Cyber Eye like mine, or did he just wink at a solar eclipse? No idea, because it’s never explained or comes into play.

The action starts with a bulletproof super-zombie that has a cybernetic eye of some sort. Probably some last-gen, knock-off, grey market tech based on the terrible resolution and silly red filter. It’s a lump of scrap metal compared to the Cyber-Eye Miss Monday put in me. But, let’s get back to the ladies.

There may be only one bikini slayer, but she’s soon joined by Reiko, a tough babe in a leather jacket who prefers guns to swords. Reiko shows up in the middle of Aya’s hack-and-slash fest, gun a-blazing. She mows down a good chunk of the undead with a seemingly infinite amount of slugs out of a double-barreled sawed-off shotgun she never has to reload. After blowing away the super-zombie (apparently the only one of its kind with no explanation for how or why it’s different), she agrees to team up with Aya.

Expert swordswoman Aya, accompanied by some pudgy comic relief guy, is on a vague quest to kill her little sister who’s joined up with the evil “doctor”. In some incoherently-staged flashback sword fighting, it’s revealed that Aya’s lil’ sis killed their Dad. Conveniently, Reiko wants to kill the doctor and the little sister and even knows how to find them. How Reiko knows the doctor is responsible or where they can find him and the sister is left unexplained – noticing a pattern here? Reiko’s own backstory is that she lost her daughter to zombies and is sad.

They wander from one metal junkyard/run-down steel mill to another and the identical ruins look more like Detroit than Japan. Along the way, they run into a couple who bone. The guy demonstrates terrible crossbow skills and even worse peripheral vision, and they die pretty quickly.

Moving on, the pudgy comic relief encounters his zombified little sister. The doctor gave her some not-so-super serum to make her fast enough to whip around a flying guillotine. Surprise, surprise – comic relief has to kill his sister in overwrought slow motion. Meanwhile, Aya’s evil little sister shows up to take a hostage: a little girl who’s somehow survived on her own in a spotless white dress. Reiko’s maternal instincts kick in, but Aya’s little sister slashes the girl and disappears in a cloud of smoke.

No one manages to equate “place previously filled with the dead and dying” with “zombie danger”, so the group heads to a hospital. It turns out that not only does the little girl have a surprisingly deadly paper-cut on her neck (I’ve gotten deeper cuts shaving), but she was also bitten by a zombie at one point. More overwrought, slow motion killing before Aya and the comic relief leave Reiko behind. (Wait, wasn’t she supposed to take them to the doctor?)

Everyone catches up at a factory where the doctor unleashes a bunch of generic zombies who overpower Reiko. The facility has no locks, it would seem, since fatty comic relief manages to sneak up on the doctor with no problem. The doctor quickly turns the tables on him, unsurprisingly. Luckily for the fat joker, the doctor is attacked by one of the hundreds of zombies wandering around that he never really worried about.

And the movie just doesn’t end there. Aya busts more of her magic sword action and has a showdown with her sister. Bad wire fu ensues. Just when it looks like she’ll lose, she gets supercharged with magic power and kills her sister. And it’s still not over. Her sister also gets magically supercharged and they fight amid even worse CGI. Finally, the little sister is mortally wounded and they have a moment of clumsy reconciliation. She was afraid of being lonely so she decided to get strong… and her solution was murdering her father and alienating her sister? Last minute attempt at Darth Vader-esque redemption? UNEARNED. This movie stinks worse than the puking zombies I have to fight. I need to take a shower after watching something this bad. Hmm, maybe I can get Miss Monday to join me…

External LinksEdit

Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand: OneChanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers

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