During a zombie outbreak, I can think of worse places to be than in a ladies bathroom with two babes wearing skimpy Christmas-themed bikinis. I also wouldn’t be hiding behind a door like the useless protagonist in Stalled. Maintenance worker W. C. is definitely nothing like me, and spends the first (and best) part of the movie peeping like a creeper at two nearly naked hotties while they make out instead of getting in on the action.
When sh*t inevitably hits the fan and one of the chicks goes into flesh-eating mode, our cowering protagonist is forced to make his first zombie kill, wincing and apologizing with each blow of toilet seat cover to zombie skull. Come on, she’s trying to kill you, don’t waste your breath apologizing! W. C. stupidly lets even more zombies into the bathroom during a failed attempt to escape, and then once again holes up in an empty stall.
After a disgusting and incredibly illogical scene where we learn that W. C. can’t even kill a single zombie properly, he somehow manages to get a cellphone to work after fishing it out of not one, but two different toilets. I might believe it was waterproof if it belonged to Miss Monday, but normal cellphones don’t work after being submersed in liquid for long periods of time. In any case, it seems that the police have also fallen victim to zombies, and W. C. is out of ideas again.
And then, out of nowhere, it turns out the peeping tom isn’t the only one still alive and trapped in the bathroom! That’s right—a woman had been quietly hiding in another stall all along. (What?) And now that she’s relevant to the plot, she goes from not making any noise to talking a mile a minute, mostly about how hot she looks (even though she refuses to show her face).
W. C. manages to come up with a plan involving setting the fire alarm off with a severed zombie finger and a bra-slingshot. The guy has one job! But instead of hitting the fire alarm switch, he shoots a finger right down the throat of a would-be hero coming to rescue them. As a result, the guy who was actually kicking some zombie ass winds up choking and being devoured by the horde in the bathroom. Stupid move on W. C.’s part, but shoving zombie parts down Hayabusa’s throat and watching him choke makes for a great mental image, at least.
After a bunch of really boring social commentary in the form of the two characters’ backstories, W. C. finally manages to find a way out by breaking down the wall and moving through a crawlspace behind it. Unfortunately, when he goes to rescue the supposedly hot survivor in the 3rd stall down, it’s revealed that she’s not what she described herself to be and cannot escape with him, so she commits suicide by opening her stall door. See? It never pays to help others.
His final escape is practically a copout—wrapping yourself up in toilet paper will not protect you from being bitten (and eaten) by zombies. And what does he do when he finally gets out? The idiot goes and gets trapped again, this time in a phone booth instead of a bathroom stall. Unbelievable.
This movie stutters and drags on even longer than its name implies, and ultimately leaves you at a standstill, wishing you were somewhere else. This is what happens when you’re too much of a wimp to get out there and get your hands dirty: you stay stationary for the rest of your boring, meaningless life.