Spies and ninjas have a lot in common. What is a ninja, if not a spy in black pajamas? They’re both stealthy, conniving, and have the skill (or license) to kill at a moment’s notice. But do you want to know the problem with both? Rules. Orders. Hierarchies. Sure, I’ll admit James Bond gets to bed babes across the globe and put down anyone who gets in his way. But when does he get to do it? Only when his crusty old boss M says he can. Bullshit.
Just look at You Only Live Twice. Bond has to fake his death to get closer to his enemy. Me? I actually got all the way on my own and personally experienced death. Now, I’m looking for round 2 versus Ryu Hayabusa. Bond trained with ninjas? I trained some of the best ninjas—and then killed them without batting an eye. And, seriously, did they teach him anything? His moves are just as weak after his “training” and he still needs a peashooter to get the job done.
Of course, none of this is that surprising considering the caliber of ninja he associates with. You only have to look at the pathetic volcano base assault at the end to see that these ninjas are bigger jokes than Ryu Hayabusa. They can’t even get past perimeter security without being detected. Not that it matters considering they’ve got more guns than Ted Nugent’s got stashed in his septic tank. Where’s the skill, the element of surprise in a Thompson machine gun? I don’t go for that crap. In a fight, I use whatever I’ve got on hand—even if it’s just my last victim’s hand.
Tune in next week for another Yaiba Weekly Backhand where I’ll be tearing apart another popular vision of zombies and/or ninjas as easily as I dismember my foes.