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Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand: Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead was the nineteenth blog post in the Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand blog hosted on the Yaiba: Ninja Gaiden Z website. It was originally posted February 5, 2014.

TranscriptEdit

ZombieAss2

This movie took what I already knew about zombies and made it a lot more literal: zombies are shitty.

Sometimes you don’t want to take things too seriously. You know who does? Ryu Hayabusa and the stick permanently shoved up his ass. Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead delivers on its title and is impossible to take seriously. There is most definitely no shortage of zombie ass, and it’s no surprise that the credits consist of booty shaking (and hot dog eating?), along with plenty of bending over for lens flares that would do Abrams proud.

Young karate enthusiast Megumi is on a camping trip with some questionable friends: Aya, Aya’s druggie boyfriend Tak, doofus Naoi, and aspiring idol Maki. Maki wants to find some river parasites to get skinny enough to succeed in auditions, and wastes no time in gobbling one down.

It isn’t long before a stumbling man in a suit comes across the group and bites Tak’s finger clean off. Megumi snaps the attacker’s neck with a powerful kick and they run away, convinced they’ll be accused of murder.

They head to the nearest village and Maki makes a beeline for the outhouse. While trying to take care of business, a horde of zombies emerges from the shit and gives chase. Maki unleashes what is literally a toxic cloud fart and collapses. Megumi rushes to her rescue, but a giant parasite bursts from Maki’s asshole. Understandably, Megumi cuts her losses. I would have, too — hell, I’d have left all their sorry asses behind.

Escaping to a shack, they fight off more shit zombies. Megumi busts out an axe and starts (finally) kicking ass and taking limbs. Yes! DISMEMBERMENT. In the aftermath, the group notices the parasite emerge from the zombie corpses.

They are saved by Tanaka, a doctor, who takes them to his daughter Sachi. He explains that the parasites take control of the brain and that the bite Tak sustained contains parasite eggs about to hatch. The drugs Tak was on react poorly with the parasite, causing his head to swell and explode. Aya is terrified as she showers Tak’s blood off, so she asks Megumi to join her. Oh yeah, now we’re talking! Without hesitation, Megumi strips down… Too bad she has the chest of an 8-year-old boy.

Megumi has a flashback to how Ai, her sister, died. Ai was being bullied in a bathroom and the bullies demanded that Megumi fart. Instead, Ai stepped up to fart. Traumatized, Ai then ran to the second floor of the gym and leapt to her death. That’s the kind of honor and death bullshit I can’t stand, and the kind spouted by ninja posers like Ryu Hayabusa.

Megumi wakes up to a terrible stomachache. While searching for a bathroom, she comes across Tanaka beating the parasite out of a zombie. He gives it to Sachi to gobble down whole. Once the new one is in, she expels the old one using anti-parasite medicine. Tanaka reveals to Megumi that Sachi is sick and the parasites are keeping her alive.

Running out of fodder for the parasites, Tanaka feeds the campers parasite eggs in their pasta dinners. When he tries to take them out with his nail gun, Megumi beats the shit out him. She and her friends escape slowly, doubled over with stomach pains and terrible farts.

Megumi heads back to the clinic for the anti-parasite medicine, leaving Aya with just the doofus and a baseball bat to protect them from the hordes of zombies milling about outside. Surprisingly, he mans up and starts smashing heads like a World Series MVP. Just when he starts getting into the swing of things, he gets distracted by the gross sight of zombies hunched over, asses in the air, with parasites protruding from their assholes. That’s some pretty fucked up shit.

Doofus does the noble (stupid) thing and sacrifices himself. Unfortunately, Aya doesn’t get far before she’s confronted by zombified Maki who uses her asshole parasite to entangle Aya. And pentrate her. Ugh, that’s even less appealing than two Blister Sisters making out.

Megumi is literally kicking ass as she heads to meet up with her friends. She makes her way to the warehouse where Maki still has Aya entangled in the parasite coming out of her ass. Apparently, Maki’s parasite is the Queen parasite. Before Maki can kill Megumi, Aya commands her ass parasite to block Maki’s in order to buy Megumi some time.

Megumi grabs a nail gun and headshots both Aya and Maki. Now that’s some cold-blooded decision making I can respect. Maki’s head explodes, exposing the giant Queen parasite. Megumi attempts to escape, but the (now flying!) Queen parasite is joined by Sachi. Megumi’s new enemy is armed with dual knives and slashes at her clothes.

Megumi starts to fart, succumbing to her parasite (because for some reason she didn’t use the medicine she went to get). The Queen ties her up in tentacles and penetrates her butt. Notice a pattern? This director has a thing for butts. Me? My Cyber Eye is usually trained on something higher. Plus, parasites are definitely a turn-off.

Flying up in the air, the Queen relishes its triumph and drops Megumi to the ground. Overcoming her pride, Megumi manages to fly on a jet of farts. Yeah, you read that right. Fart propulsion.

They have an “epic” mid air battle where Megumi uses her ass parasite as a flail. I have to say, my arm flail is much more effective, and much less disgusting. During the battle, Sachi gets impaled on a tree. Megumi rams the Queen with a syringe of medicine, and then lands safely on the ground while the Queen erupts into a mist.

What a weird fucking movie.

External LinksEdit

Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand: Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead

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